the subtle ache within

This morning instead of our regular church service, everyone split into different service teams to practically connect with our world. One team helped clean/organize the local food bank, a team passed out moose meat in different neighborhoods, a team assembled Thanksgiving bags, and a team helped prepare and set up lunch for all teams. My team went to install siding on homes in the RuralCAP housing development. I was excited about that team because a coworker of mine has been building her own home as part of that housing project. She's trying to convince me to do this program as well. Anywho, I was able to help her on her home today...we put insulation up in the ceiling. Martina outfitted me with gloves, a mask and glasses before we got started...good thing, cuz that insulation stuff is nasty!

...

I'm kinda quiet today. I'm trying to stretch out this evening. It will be my last night in my personally decorated, furnished, own space. Tomorrow I box up dishes, paintings, photographs, candles, movies, curtains, bedding...all the little things that have made this apartment my own...and transition into yet another chapter of my life.

Kinda ironic. I'm watching A lot Like Love on TV, and it just came to that scene near the end where he loses everything career-wise and moves back home with his parents. Well at least I have a career :)

I'm okay with it- really I am. I'm blessed to have this option. And house sitting jobs will provide nice breaks on occasion. I'm just in a slight funk today, and it can't be contributed to any one thing. May be partially that I'm grieving the close of this chapter of independence. A part of it may be that I feel bad for the sacrifices my family is making so that I can have a place to sleep. But if I were to really be still and allow myself to be honest, I think I can pinpoint the main funk source. I'm pondering a portion of a conversation I had with a couple from church last night. They were asking if I had met anyone special here...and that evolved into a discussion about how, although this is a great place to raise a family, it's a terribly hard place to meet people. That thought has stuck with me and it makes me a bit sad in my heart. The couple mentioned an amazing woman they know up here who is around 40 now and the wife said she's concerned this woman will never meet anyone and so she wants to encourage her to get out of Alaska. When I hear things like that, I think "Oh no, did I make the wrong move in making this move up here???" I can't help but fast-forward time and wonder if I'll be that woman. Is it horrible that I don't want to be? There's something very real inside of me that desires to be loved by a good man and be able to have the opportunity to make a relationship work and have a family. I know that there is more to life than those things, but I'd be lying if I said I did not desire them.

I talk to people up here I haven't seen in forever and they mention how successful I am and how I have met goals. Okay, yes, that may be true. I don't necessarily feel that way though- definitely not like I have "arrived". Maybe I just personally don't value material success and money and career as much as the average Joe... When they ask me my plans, I laugh and say I just wanna marry and have lots of babies- that this is all just a plan B. I don't think they understand or realize the truth in my statement.

They tell me there's someone out there and it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. I think statements like that are more meant to make people feel better than they are actually true. I mean, how can you know? I'm sure that amazing 40 year old woman was told that too...but she's still alone.