What a great home group! A loooong day but I feel refreshed and light hearted. I'm back home at my soon to not be home, boxes surrounding me in the living room of my little apartment. Beatrice came over yesterday and helped me with my packing. We had a good time talking and laughing together and it was so good to spend time with her, although we didn't get as much done as I had wanted. Oh well...I have Sunday and Monday.

I heard good news today! Good news in form of a cabin available for rent at an incredibly ridiculously steal-of-a-deal price. Even with such reasonable rates, I wouldn't be able to swing it, but a girl from church just happens to be needing a new place as of December first and if we split the cost...ding ding ding!!!! Insert Hallelujah chorus and falling confetti as I stand still and astonished and slightly skeptical that this could all be truly happening. But it seems legit. And I sense the Lord smiling. My cup runneth over.

When I came home tonight all the stars were out. I felt so close to you, Lord. I couldn't help but contrast this night and this feeling of being romanced by you to to the cold, dark, starless night a mere few days ago when I felt so alone. I felt you reminding me that even when I can't see them, the stars are always there. Even when I don't feel your presence and can't see what is around the bend, you are still there, still in control, and you still love me. Thank you for the reminder. You are so good. Bless this night, my sleep, my workout in a few hours...my clients tomorrow, my day and all the interactions it will hold. Thank you so much for the renewed confidence and enjoyment I've had lately at work, and the new clients who have been such a joy to meet and with whom I'm excited to start working with. Thank you for this home group. I thank you in advance for how you are going to work in and through us as we grow more and more into your image.

I love you,

Bethany

Psalm 8:3-4
3 When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?

the subtle ache within

This morning instead of our regular church service, everyone split into different service teams to practically connect with our world. One team helped clean/organize the local food bank, a team passed out moose meat in different neighborhoods, a team assembled Thanksgiving bags, and a team helped prepare and set up lunch for all teams. My team went to install siding on homes in the RuralCAP housing development. I was excited about that team because a coworker of mine has been building her own home as part of that housing project. She's trying to convince me to do this program as well. Anywho, I was able to help her on her home today...we put insulation up in the ceiling. Martina outfitted me with gloves, a mask and glasses before we got started...good thing, cuz that insulation stuff is nasty!

...

I'm kinda quiet today. I'm trying to stretch out this evening. It will be my last night in my personally decorated, furnished, own space. Tomorrow I box up dishes, paintings, photographs, candles, movies, curtains, bedding...all the little things that have made this apartment my own...and transition into yet another chapter of my life.

Kinda ironic. I'm watching A lot Like Love on TV, and it just came to that scene near the end where he loses everything career-wise and moves back home with his parents. Well at least I have a career :)

I'm okay with it- really I am. I'm blessed to have this option. And house sitting jobs will provide nice breaks on occasion. I'm just in a slight funk today, and it can't be contributed to any one thing. May be partially that I'm grieving the close of this chapter of independence. A part of it may be that I feel bad for the sacrifices my family is making so that I can have a place to sleep. But if I were to really be still and allow myself to be honest, I think I can pinpoint the main funk source. I'm pondering a portion of a conversation I had with a couple from church last night. They were asking if I had met anyone special here...and that evolved into a discussion about how, although this is a great place to raise a family, it's a terribly hard place to meet people. That thought has stuck with me and it makes me a bit sad in my heart. The couple mentioned an amazing woman they know up here who is around 40 now and the wife said she's concerned this woman will never meet anyone and so she wants to encourage her to get out of Alaska. When I hear things like that, I think "Oh no, did I make the wrong move in making this move up here???" I can't help but fast-forward time and wonder if I'll be that woman. Is it horrible that I don't want to be? There's something very real inside of me that desires to be loved by a good man and be able to have the opportunity to make a relationship work and have a family. I know that there is more to life than those things, but I'd be lying if I said I did not desire them.

I talk to people up here I haven't seen in forever and they mention how successful I am and how I have met goals. Okay, yes, that may be true. I don't necessarily feel that way though- definitely not like I have "arrived". Maybe I just personally don't value material success and money and career as much as the average Joe... When they ask me my plans, I laugh and say I just wanna marry and have lots of babies- that this is all just a plan B. I don't think they understand or realize the truth in my statement.

They tell me there's someone out there and it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. I think statements like that are more meant to make people feel better than they are actually true. I mean, how can you know? I'm sure that amazing 40 year old woman was told that too...but she's still alone.

It is well...with my soul

I'm in a good place, and today was uncharacteristically wonderful. Nothing extraordinary happened. I somehow managed to get a good night's sleep, yet still be ahead of schedule this morning. Just enough time to fill up on gas before getting to work with 2 minutes to spare. I can honestly say I was a woman of moderation today (I'm doing a study and learning about self-control and looking to God to fill my needs instead of food) and although I only had some liquids, I was content all day long. My time at work was extremely productive and latent feelings of incompetency were replaced with appropriate pride in myself. I ended up working through my lunch break and stayed 8 minutes late after work. Phone conversations went smoothly, my first treatment review was awesome, the new intervention I tried worked wonderfully and the resulting processing was better than I could have asked for or imagined. I felt good about what I accomplished and for spearheading some steps towards intervening for a child who cannot herself advocate for a change in her situation. I was invited to my grandparents for dinner, which was delightful. Not only did I enjoy the dinner, but I savored the conversation with two wonderful people who love me dearly. What a treat to commune with them as an adult and see how interested they are in my life, my line of work, my spiritual growth, my happiness. How I appreciate and value their wisdom, and I am glad there is still time to glean from them and learn from them. I recommit to myself to do so. As much as possible. I drive home content, and the 30 minute journey is enjoyable. The roads are curiously mild and my vehicle handles well. I am so conscious of His blessings and love and provision, and thank Him for recently reminding me of His promises. All in all, a good day. I needed this. Thank you, Abba.