chilly and weary, insecure moments of doubt

I'm so tired. It's nights like tonight that I guess I'm glad that I can come home and go through the rest of the evening without mustering energy for a smile in someone's direction or opening my mouth to speak a word to a fellow human being. But perhaps now that I think about it, were the situation different and I was to come home to someone who was happy to see me, that in itself would be such a comforting thing and something I would look forward to and be grateful for. But since the latter scenario is not my current reality, I will choose to be grateful for the solitude tonight.

my toes are cold. I resurrected this bright multicolored pair of fuzzy socks that I think were part of a college care package received years ago. I love these socks. Thanks, Mom.

Money stresses me out. I just came home from my weekly Financial Peace University class. Is it possible to feel at peace and feel nauseated simultaneously? Because as I sat in that class and pondered my impending school loans and my current inability to make those minimum payments, I felt like hurling onto my workbook.

Lord, I need direction on this one.

In the back of my mind I keep thinking "I could always move back home" but then Webbie's lyrics run through my mind and the independent woman in me recoils from that idea. I love my family, don't get me wrong. It would just be so different, and would feel like I'm going back in time. Plus, it's going to take me years to pay off these loans, and it just doesn't seem right for a driven head-on-her-shoulders woman with a Masters degree to live with her parents well into her thirties. Visit, yes, of course...often! But live with?

Lord, if this is really your will, please make it crystal clear. But I have to be honest, it would be hard for me. And I might ask you to take that cup away before I accept and drink from it.

But I want to be debt-free, I do.

I know I should look at my budget again and redo some numbers, but I think I just need to sit for a while, enjoy the candle I lit and maybe some tea, this "Cure for the Winter Blues" mix I temporarily stole and copied from Hannah's collection before I left, and just breathe.

My feet are warmer now. I'm thankful for this little blessing, and smile at the thought that the Creator of the Universe cares for the temperature of my little toes. How much more will he provide for my other needs if I continue to trust and obey? :)