the surreal is chipping away...

I broke the news to my girls at Lifeline this weekend. My voice managed to stay calm and light hearted as I explained to them why I was leaving, but my heart felt anything but light as I observed their reactions during that house meeting. Their actual responses varied greatly, but unanimously showed me that I had underestimated my importance in their lives. Faces fell, notebooks were thrown down, some girls went silent while others verbally protested, some withdrew and avoided me the rest of the day while several created excuses to be close. I felt incredibly loved and yet overwhelmingly sad... and that feeling of sadness continued to tug at my heart today.

Church was especially meaningful to me this morning, because I realized it was the last time Alyssa and I would be going to church together, playing "mom" to our entourage of girls. After the move, I would not only be adjusting to a very different church, but I would be looking for 1 seat instead of 10... a wave of loneliness came over me and the intensity brought silent tears. I hugged my friend as the growing awareness of what will be lost ached inside me. In the midst of that sad realization, God provided comfort through this song.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap You filled

Who shall separate us
Who shall separate us from Your love
Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us from Your love

I am still confident that God is calling me to move to Alaska. I am still at peace about the move, and all the aspects that made me excited still do. Since accepting this job offer, the entire move has seemed somewhat surreal. To date my voice tone and attitude in all my conversations and active planning have reflected a carefree, positive outlook. Yet inside me all along has been a murky mess of conflicting feelings. I don't understand the timing of this process, but over the last few days sad feelings have been rising to the surface of my ambivalence. If you were to approach me today upon hearing news of my move and give me a hug, you would be far more likely to experience my tears.